Meditations on the Holy Name: Death (3 of 3)
May 17, 2008
I feel surrounded by death. I have attended more memorials in the past eight or nine months than in my entire life. And Radhanath Swami’s class on Mother’s Day about the young woman, Yamunangi, who left her body in a car crash a half an hour after her initiation impacted me deeply. She was 22. I’m 21.
And so yesterday as I underwent surgery, I vowed to share the experience here. It was a simple procedure on my left foot, but as I was hooked up to an IV, monitors placed on my chest and I stared at the screen with sharp lines that signified my heartbeat, I felt so fragile. In those moments I felt as though I was approaching death.
For the past several months I have had serious faith issues with the holy name. But in those moments, as I cast around for anything to take shelter of – anything – my mouth formed the holy name. I didn’t even speak it out loud, just formed the syllables with my mouth. And I realized, the holy name will never abandon me. Moments before the anesthesia took over, I relished the holy name in my mind. I felt at peace to know that if my last cognizant thought was of the holy name, my life was – and is – complete.
