Vyasa Puja Offering 2006

Note: I wrote this several months ago, yet because I have been reflecting on guru so deeply for the past several weeks, I wanted to share this offering with all of you.

In Summer, 2002…

I’m chatting with Mother Jayasri about baking a cake for Rathayatra when suddenly we hear a distant, “Jai, Haribol!”

Jayasri exclaims in our conversation, a look of delight crossing her face. “Oh, I completely forgot! Maharaj is having a darshan!”

“Darshan? Who? Which Maharaj?” I ask curiously.

“Just come,” she ushers me into the hallway, grasping my hand. We head up to a cluster of people that spill out into the hall, peering into a room. We nudge our way in, but a sudden bout of shyness overcomes me, and I simply peek past the doorframe. I take in a light-filled room of devotees, all gazing attentively upon two people: Radhanath Swami and a bright-eyed boy who’s narrating some spectacular story from the Mahabharat.

Suddenly Maharaj speaks, “And who is this?” he’s peering straight at my shy face.

“Oh yes, Maharaj, this is Bhakti lata, Mahesh and Brihan’s daughter,” Jayasri says immediately, clasping my shoulders, steering me more into view. I have never felt so shy around a Maharaj in my entire life of living and breathing around them.

Radhanath Swami’s eyes light up. “Ah yes, the last time I saw you, you were about this high – ” he gestures somewhere around his shoulders… and he’s sitting down. The whole room chuckles, and I smile abashedly.

“You’re making me blush,” I reply. Did I really say that??!

He laughs. “Please, come sit down,” he gestures to a spot right in front of him, and the devotees make room. I settle myself down, feeling as if all the eyes turned on me are spotlights. Maharaj grins serenely at me, and then turns towards the boy to continue his storytelling.

Without missing a beat, the boy continues on, and I listen in total loss and awe at how WEIRD this story is. I mean, maybe it’s just because I’ve jumped in on the middle of the story, or maybe that’s just how stories are that involve gods and goddesses and the Supreme Personality of Godhead. But I chuckle and gasp along with the rest, sensing everyone’s enthusiasm, feeling as though a match has been lit within me. I glance to Maharaj every once and awhile, and when he laughs and listens intently, suddenly I gain more meaning from the story, suddenly I find something more funny.

When the boy finishes his story, Maharaj continues to chat with other devotees in the room, and albeit I feel shy, so many devotees hold such a deference to Maharaj. I’m a bit taken aback. All my life I’ve grown up around Swamis, including Radhanath Swami, and although we’ve been trained to respect Swamis, it’s always been a kind of “Yo, what’s up Swamiji?”

And yet now, it’s as if a light has clicked on, and I understand the deference of the devotees. When Maharaj begins to hand out cookies, I find myself wanting to serve everyone else. I become the busboy, ferrying these peanut-butter cookies to the back of the room, all in silence. I’m the final one to receive a cookie. As we all sit there in silence, holding or nibbling our cookies, Maharaj says matter-of-factly, “My dear Mataji, I’m sure they’re wonderful, but are these cookies green?” The entire rooms bursts into laughter. Only Maharaj would have the boldness to ask what was all on our minds.

When we all leave the room when the darshan ends, I walk away, nibbling on my green cookie, lost in thought. My mind is etched with the image of Radhanath Swami illuminated by the light from the window in his orange robes. In all my life I have never seen a Swami so… effulgent. I feel it. And for the first time, I wonder what it’s like to be under the guidance of a guru, a teacher. And so begins my quest for a guru maharaj…

Over the years, I wonder if maybe this is my guru… maybe this one… and although each Swami teaches me a lesson, I simply recall that match being lit in the simple and sweet darshan in that distant summer in that distant room, listening to a strange story, eating green cookies.

And then on the 2005 bus tour, we’re all in DC when Yadu returns from experiencing his guru maharaj pass away – Bhakti Tirtha Swami. He recounts beautiful stories of his own guru maharaj and Radhanath Swami and suddenly I realize, “This time, it’s my turn to go to Radhanath Swami. It’s time to surrender,” I simply say the word and Manu grants me permission to leave the tour for almost three weeks to head to New Vrindavan to finally make my decision.

So I find myself, three years later in that very same room. Once again, my mind fills with how the sun illuminates Radhanath Swami’s saffron robes. He peers at me with kind eyes that seem a little weary. I take a deep breath, and with a shaking voice I say, “Maharaj, I would like to take instruction from you. What does it mean to be a disciple?”

And so the journey continues on.

I just want to thank you, Maharaj, for your guidance and inspiration to always search for the nectar. Even if I never associate with you again face-to-face, I thank you for showing me the way of service… and to be an example.

Thank you for switching that light on, four years ago. Where would I be if Jayasri and I had not heard that distant “Jai! Haribol!”?

Probably still surrendering to your feet.

Bhakti lata dasi

photo courtesy of satoxi.com

Subscribe

One day… one day.

Lord Balaram’s Appearance Day, 2007

I dash into the templeroom, out of breath in this sultry heat. Excitement flutters through my chest as I offer obeisance to Radhe Shyam – Radhanath Swami is just sitting down on the vyasasan. There are only a few people here right now, and so all the women scoot up to sit right behind the five aspiring disciples of Maharaj.

Sitting so near, I feel enclosed in an intimate circle, completely enthralled as Maharaj speaks on spiritual life, commitment, and offering our devotion and service to guru and Krishna. Every word weaves its way to my heart.

I reflect on my own journey.

Earlier this year, I had asked Mother Laxmimoni to ask Maharaj if I could receive initiation this year. She had responded that Maharaj had considered it very carefully, and then told her to tell me to wait at least another year. He had implored me to not feel disheartened, but rather to become stronger and more resolute in my spiritual life.

And so I have come to realize that I’m at the mercy of Radhanath Swami. Whenever he feels that I am ready to take initiation, so be it. He has shown me time and time again that he knows exactly where I’m at, even if I’m not completely aware for myself.

And so here I am, sitting so close that if I nudged my way up by just a few feet, I would be sitting in that arc of five people. These five committed, deeply spiritual, inspiring people sit reverentially listening to Maharaj’s every word with much the same expression on their faces that lights up my own.

Then Maharaj calls up Lalita to receive her beads and her new name. Chills course through my body as he extols the virtues of this wonderful vaishnavi who was eating prasadam “in the womb”. I sense everyone holding their breath as Maharaj holds out her chanting beads and proclaims, “I am very pleased to offer you the name Lalita Sakhi devi dasi,”

Balaram Chandra calls out, “Lalita Sakhi devi dasi, ki – “

“JAI! HARRRIIIIIIBOOOOOL!!!” Tremendous roars resound throughout the templeroom. I glance back to shockingly take in how fast the templeroom has filled with people to witness this soul-stirring event.

And then my dear friend, Radhika, is beckoned to sit before Maharaj. Tears well in my eyes – a gurukuli who dives into Krishna consciousness inspires me more than any other. We have both traversed this path to guru for the past year, and I tremble at this moment. Maharaj then holds out her chanting beads, and with great reverence he bestows upon her the name Radhika Rani devi dasi.

Gauranga Kishore calls out, “Radhika Rani devi dasi ki – “

“JAI! HARRRIIIIIBOOOOOOOOOOOL!” Mridangas and kartals join the exultation.

After two others are given the name Balaram Nitai das and Balaram Acharya das, The last person to be called upon is Mother Adigopi Priya, who is receiving second-initiation. After the first round of HARIIIIBOOOLs, I only hear silence, so I take it upon myself to cry out her name, “Adigopi Priya devi dasi KI – “

“JAI!!! HARRIIIIBOOOOOOL!!!!” The templeroom cries out triumphantly. I’m grinning ear-to-ear, my face still shining with tears.

Maharaj pauses and says, “Hm, you did that better than the brahmacharis.” Rolling laughter. “Could you do it for every one of them? Do you remember everyone’s names?”

In shock, I just nod and begin to cry out each of the disciple’s beautiful new names, one after the other, the response building and building, the hundreds of devotees present showering their blessings upon these amazing people.

After I call out the final name, Maharaj looks to me and smiles. He pauses and then says gently, “She wanted to participate in the ceremony,” And then he laughs, his shoulders shaking, his whole body bouncing up and down on the vyasasan, and a flood of laughter fills the room.

Yet only a few people understand the deeper significance of his words.

I smile, trembling.

One day… one day.

Subscribe